19 Things Not to Say to Your Child as Parents

Parents. They guide us through so much during our childhood. They teach us morals and independence. They teach us the difference between right and wrong. They teach us that things aren’t necessarily as they may seem.

But parents can also be in the wrong themselves, although some don’t want to admit that to their child or anyone else. Children take in and learn so much from their parents. But there are things that maybe parents shouldn’t say to their child.

Like what?

1. “Because I said so”

This is not a valid reason. Some kids may just accept it as a reason as opposed to trying to argue their side, but this isn’t going to help your child to accept they can’t -or must- do something.

Using phrases like this to shut down a request from your child or to force them to do something is most likely going to cause further communication problems.

If this phrase is used in response to your child asking if they can do something and you say no, then rather than asking for permission, they’ll probably do it anyway if they expect your answer to be a no or a “because I said so”.

2. “Get out of your room and come and see your family”

Kids, especially teenagers, spend their time in their bedrooms. It’s just what they do.

It could be their way of having solitude if they’re part of a busy family, or to escape from any family issues that could be happening. If the parents are always arguing or are abusive, then the child won’t want to be in that situation.

This phrase is also harmful to your child if they are feeling depressed or sad and they’re being forced to be around people they may not want to be with at that moment in time. Many people with depression hide it from others around them because they don’t want to bring others down or they don’t feel like they deserve the attention or care.

They tend to hide it by putting on a brave face and showing a fake smile. This can make a child with depression suffer more because they could feel shame in that they feel they have to hide their emotions, or lack thereof, from their family.

3. “You’re not depressed/anxious”

No.

Just no.

Depression and anxiety affect people in different ways. Some people may suffer from depression but they seem happy as if nothing is wrong. Someone may have anxiety but still be able to function normally as if they don’t, doing something like public speaking or even something as simple as ordering a coffee from Greggs.

It can take a lot of courage to even bring yourself to tell somebody about your issues. Your child feels they can trust you enough to let you in on what’s troubling them. By telling a child that they’re not depressed, or even that they’re faking it, you’re saying a big F*** You to everybody that suffers from depression or anxiety daily.

This can lead somebody on a downward spiral of thoughts, thinking that maybe they’re not depressed after all and they’re overreacting.

Other people have it worse; other people can barely function daily.

4. “Why are you always on your phone?”

Another phrase that kids hear frequently, especially in this generation where mobile phones and social media is everywhere. Some children are just popular and have a lot of friends to talk to. Or maybe they’re in an active group chat where there is always someone talking, or Jessica has broken up with her boyfriend for the umpteenth time and just wants to vent. Again.

On the other hand, maybe the child uses their phone to escape from their daily life. Some people get lost in books or movies on their phones and imagine themselves living in another reality. Or maybe they’re in the wormhole we call YouTube.

One minute you’re watching your favourite YouTuber, next minute you’re watching how toilet roll is made.

5. “You can tell me anything”

Then the parent proceeds to get mad when told something they don’t want to hear.

Yes, it’s normal to be shocked or disappointed by something that your child has told you, but they trusted you in that you wouldn’t react badly because they felt they could tell you without judgement.

By then getting mad at something your child has told you like maybe they got high with their friends for the first time or they broke your deceased mother’s vase, you’re instilling the thought into them that they can’t trust you’ll be neutral when they’re telling you something.

Maybe they were scared to tell you because you’d get mad and then wouldn’t listen to their side of the story anymore; getting mad just confirms their suspicions on why they didn’t want to tell you.

6. “You must be a (blank) when you grow up”

Your child wants to follow their dreams, not yours. Telling your child that when they grow up they must be a doctor, or a lawyer, or even a parent, is almost like saying that unless they’re that one thing, then you won’t accept them. Your child is their person. With their dreams, interests, personality and career goals.

Just because Karen got pregnant at 17 and felt she couldn’t follow her dreams of becoming an actress, doesn’t mean she’s in her rights to force her daughter into acting at the age of 4 years old.

This is a flashback to High School Musical with Troy Bolton arguing with his dad that he’s throwing away his dreams, to which Troy exclaims back,

“No Dad, I’m throwing away yours.”

This is very real, people.

Let your child live their life the way they want to and don’t get mad when they’re following a different career path than you wanted them to.

7. “That grade is too low, you’re being punished”

Ask any 40-something year old about their grades in school. Most probably can’t remember what they achieved, some may say that their grades made no difference to how they excelled or didn’t, later in life.

Intelligence shows in different ways. Some children are awful at Maths but excel in Music or Art. Some children are excellent in PE but terrible in English.

Shouldn’t the main thing be that your child has tried their best? They don’t deserve to be punished for not excelling in all areas of education. Your child could even be failing at English because they’re dyslexic and you nor the school have no idea.

8. “I’m the parent, you’re the child”

This one is often heard a lot, especially when there is a difference in opinion. The most known version of this is in the film Matilda, where Matilda argues with her father over his tricks to sell cars,

“Listen, you little wiseacre: I’m smart, you’re dumb; I’m big, you’re little; I’m right, you’re wrong, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

In this instance, parents can be wrong and playing the parent card does nothing to help the situation. Your child could be trying to help you or teach you something new and refusing to listen just because you’re the adult makes them feel like their opinion doesn’t matter.

9. “Don’t backchat me”

This one sometimes takes the cake.

Kids aren’t necessarily arguing back or back chatting all of the time. Sometimes they’re just talking or are frustrated so they have a slightly different tone of voice. If they’re frustrated about something that’s been said or done then they’re not going to talk in a normal tone as if nothing is bothering them.

This also relates to the whole “respect your elders” thing. Older people don’t deserve respect just for the fact that they’re much older.

Respect should be earned and not automatically given.

If the adult is a horrible piece of s***, as some adults can be (sometimes known as Karens), then they don’t automatically deserve respect from someone younger than them. They deserve respect for being a kind and considerate member of society in general.

10. “You’re too young to have an opinion”

Okay, so maybe in some cases this could be true, as in the child is far too young to know enough about the topic to have an opinion. Like war. Or politics. But everyone still deserves to have their voice heard. Opinions are just that.

Opinions.

The child isn’t forcing their opinion down your throat like its fact. They’re merely expressing their thoughts on the subject and they still deserve to be heard.

You may not agree with their opinion and that is completely fine, but they should still be allowed to use their voice to talk about their feelings about a topic. Otherwise, the child may turn out to be the quiet one of the class or friendship group who always just agrees with what is said to not cause conflict.

That isn’t a very pleasing position to be in; where you don’t feel respected enough by your peers for them to even listen to what you have to say.

11. “It’s just a phase”

This one is often heard when a child starts dressing differently, or they start listening to new music or take up a new hobby. Even when they come out as a member of the LGBT community. The last one is often when their parents are homophobic and don’t ‘agree’ with their child’s sexuality. Yeah, I don’t get it either.

“It’s just a phase, you’ll grow out of it soon.”

Maybe they will.

Maybe they’ll enter a new phase of their life where they find new music tastes, or start dressing differently again. Or maybe they’re bisexual when they thought they were gay. We all go through different phases of life even well into adulthood.

It doesn’t matter. What matters is we support their choices and don’t make them feel anything less than human. They deserve the same love and care they had before they entered a new phase of their lives.

12. “Once you’re an adult then you can talk”

Under the same area as “you’re too young to have an opinion”. Children deserve to be heard regardless of their age.

13. “You must finish your food”

This one can depend on the context. As a baby/toddler they need all the food and nutrients they can get to help their body to develop and function normally. But as a child growing into a teenager, your food tastes change.

There are things I loved as a child that I now can’t stand as an adult. Forcing a child to eat food that they don’t like isn’t fair on them. As long as they’ve tried it then there’s no room for issues if they don’t like it.

But forcing a child to eat something they don’t want or don’t like isn’t fair if it results in punishment.

“If you don’t eat all of that then you won’t get your devices/toys later.”

Children sometimes have much smaller appetites so forcing them to finish their plate when they’re full could lead to an eating disorder if it’s for a prolonged period. They could develop bulimia or anorexia.

As long as the child is well-fed and they’re not going hungry then wasting a little bit of food isn’t that big of a deal. Feed it to the dog instead.

And don’t use the “there are starving kids in Africa that would kill for even these leftovers” line.

Just don’t.

It’s not the child’s fault that other countries live in poverty. Don’t guilt-trip them like that. It’s not fair on them.

14. “I don’t have to give you a reason”

You don’t have to give them a reason. But it would still be helpful to them to know why they have to or aren’t allowed to do something. Giving a child a reason for something might even help them understand why they’re not allowed to do something they’ve asked permission for.

A lack of communication is one of the reasons why children sometimes grow up and have a bad relationship with their parents. Not having this level of communication can lead to the child not trusting their parents or keeping secrets from them.

Not giving an acceptable reason is essentially the same as ‘because I said so’. And we know the implications of that one.

15. “No, you can’t see your friends”

During the current pandemic, more children are asking if they can go out with their friends. They haven’t seen their friends in a good few months due to being in lockdown and are missing that sense of normality that they previously had.

Children are sociable people and need regular contact with those outside of their family to develop the right communication skills. In the wake of the pandemic, it is still imperative that children are following the social distancing guidelines as they prepare to go back to school.

So long as they distance themselves from their friends and there’s no risk of bringing home the virus to someone in their family that is high-risk, children seeing their friends is one of the ways to boost not only their moods but their mental health and their general demeanour.

16. “You don’t know stress, you’re just a child. Try working at my job.”

Stress doesn’t just come from having a job. Whether it’s working 9–5 at a corporate job or fighting on the frontlines as a key worker during the pandemic. Stress presents itself in many different ways. For children and especially teenagers, stress manifests itself in deadlines, exams, coursework and applying to colleges and universities.

During the pandemic, students’ exams changed drastically, with exams being cancelled and students being given grades based off of their teachers’ predictions. But a lot of students have had their grades marked far lower than they were expecting, or than their teachers set as their predictions.

Results have been calculated by an algorithm and more than 2 million GCSEs have been downgraded.

This has caused a rise in stress levels for GCSE students who may not have received the grades they needed to study at the sixth form or college they have applied to.

Stress doesn’t just come from having a job. School stress is still stress and every child has the right to be feeling stressed over their results and their daily school lives.

17. “Why do you hide everything from me”

Children don’t start off hiding everything.

Most children are very open about things. But hiding things from their parents is a learned action, usually down to how they believe their parents will react or have reacted in the past.

Sometimes this phrase is also blown out of proportion. Some kids will tell their parents everything except for the odd one or two things, especially if it’s something extremely personal like mental health issues. This sometimes leads parents to believe that their child’s mental health issues are their fault. Like they didn’t treat their child well enough or didn’t give them enough things.

So maybe your child is hiding something from you to save your emotions or stop you feeling guilty about something you don’t need to feel guilty for.

18. “You don’t own anything. Everything you claim to own is mine”

If something is bought for them, that possession is then theirs. Parents buy their children furniture for their bedrooms; they buy their clothes. Sometimes parents buy their teenagers a car once they turn 17.

Kids like stuff. Especially teenagers when they’re showing off their brands and possessions to their friends. They take pride in the stuff they have as it gives them a sense of self.

Also, if a teenager has bought something themselves with their own money, that still doesn’t ‘technically’ make it yours since they live under your roof. If that was the case, would that mean they’re eating food that is only yours even though it was bought for the family?

I don’t think so.

19. “You’re not in pain, stop crying” or “Stop being a baby”

This comes under the same point as stress. As well as being sociable, kids are also emotional. Even if it wouldn’t hurt you, it still hurts them.

People have different pain tolerances. One person could sit through a full back tattoo in one session (ow), but another may be overwhelmed by just a small tattoo on the arm.

Telling children, especially boys, to stop crying is also a major problem that carries on into adult life. Boys are often told that they’re not ‘real men’ if they cry.

I’m yet to find a dictionary definition of a real man.

The only thing that comes close is when men are portrayed in movies as the heroes; the tough guys rescuing the damsels in distress.

Ahem, no thank you. I can save myself, but that’s a point for another time.

Boys grow up fearing that showing any sense of emotion diminishes their masculinity that society seems to focus so much on. Boys often cry much more than girls, yet boys are taught to hide it.

Why?

Emotions are still a valid feeling that needs to be processed, regardless of gender.

So, parents. What have we learned?

Parents help to build the foundations on which their child can thrive in life. By teaching them the basics, helping to guide them through their problems and learning how to express their feelings. Sometimes, parents can be the downfall to a child’s behaviour in the things they say, do or how they react.

But they’re good eggs and we love our parents dearly, regardless.